Whoremasters: The Pathology of the Intellectual Pimp

For every intellectual whore there must be an intellectual pimp.  An intellectual pimp is defined as a woman that a man is an intellectual whore to. Here we will examine the relationship of a man to his intellectual pimp. We will examine the pathology of the intellectual pimp and enumerate the most common types of intellectual pimps.

Intellectual Whoredom is (usually) a Victimless Crime

Listen: Women who keep intellectual whores are not bad people.  Unless they are not clear that they will not sleep with their intellectual whore and thus keep him enthralled by a false implied promise of future sexual activity.  Then they are bad people. So I guess many of them are bad people. But if a grown-ass man knows that he has little to no chance to fuck and still lets himself become an intellectual whore, he has nobody to blame except for himself. Especially if he's read the Ladder Theory.

Many intellectual whores get something out of the relationship--if they're masochists. Many of them are holding out for their intellectual pimp to realize how good they would be together. Those are called fools, and deserve every minute of mental anguish they suffer. Some men are so pussified they are unable to summarily dismiss a woman from their life if she won't sleep with him, even though this is usually the appropriate course of action. You probably only met her because you wanted to fuck her, why keep her around if you can't? Some women are interesting enough to keep around, or maybe are useful as footstools, but I almost never meet them. In any case, if she felt no obligation to fuck you, you should feel no obligation to keep her as a friend, which calls for much more time and energy.


Why Do Women Want Intellectual Whores?

Emotional Reasons

"...becasue every guy you met since you was 16 has been trying to fuck you.  Every time a man's being nice to you that's all he's doing is offering dick."
        Rabbi Chris Rock

Lemma 1: Although they may not have been aware of it at the time, women who are even moderately attractive have had guys trying to fuck them since practically the day they hit fucking age. This is no surprise given society's obsession with youth and the general horniness of males. Women who aren't aware of this soon find it out however.  If there is a woman over 16 who still thinks that guys she doesn't know come up to her and start making conversation because they think she looks like an interesting person she was probably raised by wolves or something. On a related note, this is probably why beautiful people tend to be boring.   They never had to be interesting -- being beautiful was always interesting enough.


Lemma 2: As women age they become less and less attractive to men. Sure some mature women are still sexy, and plenty of people might like to fuck Goldie Hawn, but most women don't have the advantage of on-demand plastic sugery, full-time makeup artists, dieticians, flattering camera angles, and having 'looking good' as a job requirement.  There simply are no old women that normal guys are really attracted to.  Lots of women want to fuck Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, and Jack Nicholson.  There is not a woman as old as any of those people that a guy would fuck on the grounds of being attracted to her. Sad fact of nature.

Lemma 3: Women don't generally want to think of themselves as or be regarded as whores. It's a sad fact of socialization that women who like to have a lot of sex are called bad names.  Whores are great, and we would do well to work toward making the words 'cocksucker' and 'whore' and 'slut' non-derogatory.

Women eventually get tired of being wanted just for their body.  Unless they're really ugly, in which case they'd probably be happy to be wanted for anything. That is why the easiest girls to score with are always the kind of ugly/fat best friends of really hot women.  They get no attention from guys when they have to compete with their hot friend, but they can always get attention by putting out.  It's kind of sad, but in terms of easy, a not-attractive-girl-with-low-self-esteem-and-a- really-hot-best-friend is about the safest bet you can make. Back to the matter at hand.  Just like intellectual whores get tired of only being wanted for their minds.

Even the hottest woman entertains fantasies of a man who really really wants her for her mind, her personality, all of those inner attributes that really make her who she is.  She knows that she can use her body to get what she wants, every woman knows that on some level.  The success of such will depend on how nice her body is of course...Christie Brinkley can use hers to catch real-estate moguls. The girl down the street may just be able to get into clubs for free, or get a drink bought for her.

At some point all but the shallowest women will want to know that they are good for something besides fucking, and so the intellectual whore is born.

Gay guys and straight women are no good for this, a person who is not sexually attracted to you can't give you any kind of validation that you are wanted for your mind. If I only talk to you because you are no good for fucking, that's not as good a bolster for the ego as my knowing you are hot and not wanting to fuck you because I like you too much. Also women don't like each other very much.

Obviously it can't be someone they are fucking.  If you get someone you are fucking to listen to your story about how your father was emotionally distant or get them to go to the ballet with you, there's always the possibilty that they wouldn't have if you weren't fucking them.

So what does that leave?  Straight men who will actually listen to them and can be entertaining, smart, or funny.  Straight men that will buy them food, be their emotional crutch, and go with them to places their boyfriends won't go. The intellectual whore offers both a useful service and a form of validation that no other person can match. A guy that puts up with all of the bullshit for none of the reward. A guy who does things for you and is so nice. A guy that clearly is a non-sexual being, he just likes you for you, that's why he listens to your shit for hours on end, and goes places with you, and gives you advice about guys, and loves the films of Bergman and the books of David Sedaris and Dave Eggers. And he likes you for you.  You're cultured and intelligent. You can fuck as many outlaw bikers as you want -- you're not a shallow whore.  Really. If you were, why would this sweet guy do all that for you...you really are worth more than the power you hold between your legs...no really you are....really.

To recap: Usually a guy who would do all manner of things for a woman would have to be fucking her. Sometimes they find a guy who is willing to do shit for them even though he is not getting laid. This is like a guy finding a girl who wants to have sex and then leave. They basically get to feel like they are worth something more than the sex they have to offer, because here is this guy who is so sweet and all that crap who doesn't want to fuck them (they think).


Material Reasons:

Some people are just users, and 'will use any scumbag for whatever I want....that just makes me smarter than you.' as one lovely young lady put it in an email to me. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone who will go get you coffee and go to a movie with you so you don't have to go alone.  So there are material benefits to certain intellectual whores as well.

A Few Common Types of Intellectual Pimps To Look Out For

There are undoubtedly more archetypes than this one, but here are a few of the major ones to look for.

1.  The Hot Woman:

This is a woman who knows that she is attractive and that guys want to fuck her.  She probably has a boyfriend or a stable of steady Outlaw Biker fucks.  You were probably trying to fuck her and got tossed onto the friend ladder.

Advantages as Intellectual Pimp: Hot women have busy social lives.  Because of this, they are usually not very demanding on an intellectual whore's time.  Also, it looks good to be seen with them.  Try to get a picture of you with your hot Pimp and then tell other women that was your fiancee who died.

Disadvantages: Because they are used to having their ass kissed, when they do require your time, they are generally more demanding.  You'd think they would have hot friends you could go after, but hot women of course see all other hot women as threats and often as not will put you off-limits to their hot friends.  Also, if you don't rank highly on her ladder, what makes you think that you'll be high up on the ladder of her hot friends?  This usually leads to being around hot women that you still can't fuck.

Ladder Jumping Prospects:  Make sure to get your last rites administered before you attempt this ladder jump.

2. The Ugly Friend:

This is a woman that we should all empathize with on some level.  This is the woman who has a hot friend.  She herself is not hot.  This usually leads to guys talking to her so they can try to fuck her friend.  Eventually she learns that she can get attention from guys by putting out, since she'll never otherwise get attention when with her hot friend.  Of course some guys won't fuck her still because they think it will jeopardize their chances with the hot friend.  

Advantages:Not being hot, they are easier to say 'no' to.  Also you don't feel so bad about not fucking because you probably
don't want to very much anyway.  You can try to fuck the hot friend to amuse yourself.  

Disadvantages: Even when you don't want to fuck someone, you still want them to want to fuck you.  Many men can't handle the ego blow of a girl they don't find attractive not wanting to fuck them.

Ladder Jumping Prospects:  Say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our-Fathers before attempting this jump. 


3. The Innocent:

This is a woman who has led a sheltered life, watched too many Sandra Bullock movies, or is just an idealistic soul who refuses to see what is right in front of her.

Advantages: She'll generally not suspenct any nefarious activity from you, and thus is less guarded around you.  Since you're such good friends you can initiate a lot of physical contact with her before she gets uncomfortable.

Disadvantages: If she has a boyfriend she's probably actually loyal to him, believing in romantic principles as she does.  She probably won't be able to tell you anything useful about how to get a woman off, or will be unwilling to discuss it.

Ladder Jumping Prospects: If she is in a relationship have the last rites administered first.  If not, and you sound sincere, say 5 Acts of Contrition, 4 Hail-Mary's and 7 Our-Fathers. If you don't sound convincing, say 10 Hail Mary's and 50 Our Fathers.